stokedfudge

     It started raining already and I'm enveloped in the warm, fuzzy feeling the past few days brought in.

     Being clinically depressed seems to have been a blessing in disguise (not because you get to have prescription drugs). I had five minutes with a therapist today and she told me one thing: let go. I knew we'd get to that point and was actually expecting it any time soon, but it was still surprising, as all registered surprises are. Still, I told her I might actually be ready to because I owe it to myself and to the people who genuinely care about me, but I also told her that I'd like to deal with things at my own pace.

     Quite frankly, I'm actually doing fine. I'm probably past over the denial stage because I've finally accepted the facts and changes that evolved within the previous three months. I feel more at peace and less restless now, but I do admit that there would still be times when I'd feel as if I were living off scenes from an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-esque point of view. Indeed, it pains to argue when your mind can't outsmart your heart. Still, one can't get stuck in the agony of waiting forever (uy!). There's no way you can move on if you keep on thinking about what-if's and be damn regretful of your should-have-been's. Act upon logic nga talaga... makes everything easier.

     I'm ready, I think.

     This time, I'm going to put myself on top of my priority list, because I think it's about time I become that kind of selfish. I've learned that for a while I was convinced that I haven't really been doing a lot of selfless acts when in fact, I actually haven't been thinking of my own happiness. It took a few good friends and a few years for me to realize that I'm only happy when other people (friends, partners, family) are happy or when I make them happy. It's time that I become independent of other people's opinions and feelings, because I can only be really happy when I've learned how to be happy on my own.

     This time I'm not going to change anything about myself to please anybody because I know I am not completely loved when someone tells me to change a few details. Like how I can't hang out with my boy-space-friends. Or that I have to undergo a wardrobe overhaul because my skirts are too short. Or that I have to stop smoking. Or that I must to go to mass on Wednesdays and Sundays or else I'd be damned. Enough of that. Because even if these are just trivial things, they're quite a distance from where I'm at. Changing might just not work because that would make me a different person. My case, my way. Let me deal with things at my own pace.

     I'm not becoming jaded, really. I just want to embrace everything life has to offer. I'm not expecting a lot of people to understand the way I think nor the way I act, but that's okay. At least, I do. And I matter now.

     Hmmm. Flash, eh? At least I'm not wearing my underwear over my suit.

     We really do tend to jump into situations before thinking things over and weighing our options. A few years back I've learned through my friend Trina, that more often than not I've failed certain life tests because I act upon emotions rather than logic. For a while there I took her advice and succeeded on moving forward smoothly.

     Until I figured I was committing the same mistakes again. Like doing what I wanted without considering other people's emotions. Pushing through with what felt/seemed right although I knew it was wrong. Pouring out emotions despite understanding what needed to be done.

     boyspacefriend was right in reminding me about thinking things over before actually taking the first step. Because somewhere in the middle of the road to happiness, I forgot.

     I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm doing just fine. It sure is exciting when spontaneity gets you somewhere, but it is rather nice to have a decent plan. Gets you where you want to be.

     Can't really say I'm at my best now, with all the thinking from counseling and medication, but I'm definitely better. I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. Results may come later than usual, but I guess it doesn't really matter how long you work for something because if it's worth it, it's worth it. And it's sweeter when you get your prize. I'm happier that way.

     ( Oh, and... erm... click if you want to play. )